Top 20 tips for talking about sex
Tips for talking
~ 1 ~
Talk soon
Start talking about bodies from birth.
Talk openly about respectful relationships and puberty early on. It’s important to discuss topics before your child is going to experience them.
Practise talking about sexual matters before your children reach an age where they may be reluctant or embarrassed to discuss the topic.
~ 2 ~
Talk often (listen too)
You don't need to have a "big conversation" every time. Cover the same subject lots of times, sharing information as it feels right to do so.
A general pattern of openly 'chatting' about sex and relationships will stick and create a feeling of closeness and comfort to talk about anything.
~ 3 ~
Two way talk
Gone are the days of the one-off 'birds and the bees' lecture.
Good communication includes lots of conversations, questions, sharing ideas and experiences from when you were younger.
Try not to lead with ‘what not to do’ as it may shut down future conversation. Try support them to think carefully and critically about what they need to stay safe. Let them know you can help with things such as finding a good doctor if they need advice on sexual health care such as contraception.
~ 4 ~
It's not all about sex
It's about bodies, babies, growing up, love, sexual expression, pleasure, feelings, treating each other with respect, consent, personal values, decisions and relationships.
Some topics may seem more uncomfortable to speak about than others – such as masturbation and pleasure. However, these are often the topics that teens want to learn about.
~ 5 ~
Don't wait for your child to ask questions
They might never ask, and they still need to know.
If they haven't said anything to you by the time they are 10, then shyness or embarrassment is likely to stop them from this point onwards. This is where they may turn to unreliable sources of information.
Create conversations - use books, characters in TV shows, stories from your own life.
~ 6 ~
Answer questions honestly and simply
Share what you know to a level of detail that feels right for you and your child.
If you haven't given enough information, most kids will ask more questions.
It’s OK to come back to a topic and discuss further.
~ 7 ~
You don't have to have all the answers
If you don't know how to respond to a question, it's OK to say so.
Keep communication open with something like,
That's a good question. I don't know, but let's find out together.
~ 8 ~
Use teachable moments
It can be tricky to find the right time to bring up these conversations. Use media, television and movies, current news and events, songs and family events to introduce topics and discuss values.
(e.g. an unplanned pregnancy on a TV show can be a good way to talk about the importance of contraception).
~ 9 ~
Use the correct words
Practise saying these words out loud: vulva, vagina, clitoris, penis, testes, scrotum, breasts, nipples.
Get used to using the proper names for sexual body parts right from the start.
That doesn't mean you can't use the words 'boobs' or 'willy', but it helps you and your child to be more matter of fact about these issues.
These terms are what they will use when learning about protective behaviours and relationships and sexuality education in school.
~ 10 ~
Make reliable information available
Leave books around that have accurate information.
Share reliable websites and video clips.
Help your child to determine what information is real and what is fake online, including social media.
~ 11 ~
Be a 'tellable' parent
Show you are approachable by raising the topic, be unshockable (pretend if you have to), and listen. Some things might surprise you, but it’s important to try stay calm and avoid showing judgement.
~ 12 ~
Trusted network of adults
Ask your child to think of other adults they might like to talk to about these topics with:
aunts / uncles, grandparents, older siblings, coaches and mentors, health professionals and teachers can be great sources of support.
~ 13 ~
Make it less awkward
Offer times to talk that don't require a formal sit-down.
Start a conversation in a space with privacy, such the car or washing the dishes. This way you can talk without eye contact (and helps to give the chat a finite time so that it is not too 'heavy').
Send your teen a message with a link or post you'd like them to look at and offer them the chance to come to you with questions (don't tag them in posts that their friends can see too!).
~ 14 ~
It's OK to laugh!
Sex and bodies can be funny for both you and your child or teen.
It's OK to laugh, to admit you are embarrassed (but determined) and to say,
I don't have all the answers, but I do know where we can get reliable information.
~ 15 ~
You are not alone
There are lots of supportive services and websites that can help you and your child or teen.
It may be helpful to do some reading and practise talking about it with a partner or a friend.
It’s OK to seek support from healthcare professionals, educators or community resources. Check out the bottom on this page or our Resources page for some useful links.
~ 16 ~
Support your school's Relationships and Sexuality program
Find out what is being taught at school and use this to continue conversations at home.
RSE may only be delivered at school for a short period of time, but chatting at home can continue.
~ 17 ~
Teach them about contraception and condoms
Different cultures and religions have different beliefs that shape the use of contraception.
Share your family values about sexual behaviour, but it is helpful to share factual information on how to best protect themselves and their friends should the need arise.
~ 18 ~
Show them how to access services
Concerns about confidentiality can stop young people accessing services.
Show them how to get their own Medicare card (at 15 years old).
Explain that their My Health Record becomes confidential to them at 14 years old.
Show them how to use local and online services.
~ 19 ~
Be inclusive, respect diversity
Remember that about...
42.5% of school-aged young people identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual or another term other than heterosexual 10
7.5% identified as transgender or non-binary 10
1.7% are estimated to be intersex.22
~ 20 ~
It's never too late to start
Children and teens will learn about sex with or without you.
It's better to get information from a trusted adult rather than online or from friends.
It doesn't hurt to say,
I wish we chatted about this a long time ago, but here is something I really want you to know ...?
If you need support:
You might also be interested in:
Relationships, sex and other stuff, Growing and developing healthy relationships
Yarning tips, Yarning tips
Young Deadly Free, Sexual health resources for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities.
Talking to your teen about safe sex, Kids Helpline
Boy puberty: how to talk about puberty and sex with your tween boy, by Cath Hakanson For parents of boys aged between 9 and 13.
For goodness sex: changing the way we talk to teens about sexuality, values, and health, Al Vernacchio (USA) Sex education for parents and teens promoting healthy sexuality, values and body image in young people.
The sex education answer book: by the age responses to tough questions kids ask parents about sex, Cath Hakanson Age appropriate answers to questions about sex for parents of kids aged 3 to 14.